Boundaries As Self-Love
A guide to loving yourself by honouring your limits
The moment I hung up the phone, every muscle in my body unclenched. I could breathe again.
I had just told my ex I wouldn't be attending our daughter's upcoming regatta, and that he'd be taking her to the event alone. When he asked why, I simply said I had other things to do that day.
Of course, there was more to it. What I really needed to do was protect my nervous system.
The previous regattas had been brutal. Ten-plus hours in sweltering heat with a man who berates me and barks at volunteers left me drained. every time After each event, my anxiety would spiral for days. But I kept trying to power through them anyway, telling myself “good” moms attend their kids’ sporting events.
Other people who co-parent handle this kind of stuff. I should be able to handle it, too. Don't be so dramatic, Ev.
For weeks, I was caught between two competing truths. Part of me desperately wanted to be the “good” mom who shows up regardless. But a quieter, deeper voice knew that abandoning myself again would be a betrayal I couldn't afford.
So I finally told my daughter: "I might not be able to attend your upcoming races."
Her response surprised me: “As long as you come to at least one regatta this summer, it's okay if you miss the others.”
That's when I became resolute. I wasn't going to force my nervous system through another painful day with my ex just to avoid being judged as a bad mom.
The hardest part was calling him. But as soon as I hung up, the full-body relief told me everything I needed to know. A sense of safety flooded my entire system, and there was this visceral knowing that I'd done the right thing.
To be honest, setting boundaries continues to be difficult for me. But this experience taught me something invaluable: I can trust the wisdom of my own body. Each time I choose to honour my inner cues instead of overriding them, it gets a little easier.
And the truth is my nervous system matters. My capacity matters. My wellbeing matters.
Boundaries aren't selfish, they’re loving. And they're how we create lives that reflect our worth rather than slowly erode it.
The Truth About Boundaries
When it comes to relating to other people, setting and maintaining boundaries is one of the most powerful ways we can express self-love. But if you’re anything like me, honouring your needs and cultivating a life that reflects your worth may not always come easy to you.
We've been conditioned to believe that good women say yes, that caring means self-sacrifice, and that boundaries are walls we build to keep others out. But this misses the deeper truth: boundaries aren't about rejecting others, they're about loving ourselves.
When we consistently override our inner wisdom to meet external expectations, we're teaching both ourselves and others that our needs don't matter. We're creating lives that slowly erode our sense of worth rather than affirm it.
Each time we abandon our own knowing to avoid disappointing someone else, we reinforce the belief we’re less important than everyone around us.
But setting boundaries flips this script entirely. Saying no to what harms us and yes to what heals us is how we practise treating ourselves like someone who matters. When we honour our capacity, protect our energy, and trust our inner cues, we're not being selfish, we're being loving. And we're creating space for our authentic selves to flourish and thrive.
The paradox is that boundaries often improve our relationships rather than damage them. When we stop overextending ourselves, we show up more authentically. When we're honest about our limits, we create space for real connection rather than resentful compliance. And when we model self-respect, we give others permission to do the same.
Your nervous system, your energy, and your peace of mind aren't luxuries to sacrifice for the comfort of others. They're the foundation from which you can offer genuine affection, authentic presence, and sustainable care. Boundaries don't make you less loving; they make your love big enough to encompass both the people you care about and your own body, mind, and heart.
How to Set Boundaries: a 4-Step Approach
1. Listen to your body’s signals
Your body holds more wisdom about your boundaries than your mind. While your thoughts might rationalize, justify, or override your limits, your nervous system responds immediately and honestly to what’s nourishing or draining.
Pay attention to sensations like:
That tight feeling in your chest when someone asks for a favour.
The way your shoulders tense when you see certain names appear on your phone.
The exhaustion that lingers for days after particular interactions.
And start noticing patterns:
Do you typically say yes when you're caught off guard?
Do you struggle more with boundaries around family members, friends, or colleagues?
Does guilt show up more often in certain relationships?
The goal isn't to become hyper-analytical about every interaction, but to develop a clear understanding of your capacity and limits.
Remember: When you know what consistently drains you, you can start making different choices.
2. Communicate what your limits are
Boundary-setting isn’t about justifying your needs or convincing others they’re reasonable. It's about clearly stating your limits with clarity and kindness. No elaborate explanation, no apology for having needs, no invitation for negotiation.
Simple, direct language works best:
“I can't do that right now.”
“That doesn't work for me.”
“I'm not available for that.”
If you need to give a reason, keep it brief:
“I have other commitments.”
“I need to focus on my family right now.”
“I’m busy that day.”
The urge to over-explain often comes from guilt or the fear that our boundaries aren't legitimate.
Remember: Other people's disappointment doesn't mean you've done something wrong. Their feelings are valid, but so are your limits.
3. Be consistent about your established limits
In most cases, setting a boundary isn’t a one-time declaration; it’s an ongoing practice that requires consistency. Of course, life requires flexibility, and sometimes you'll choose to extend yourself beyond your usual limits. The key is making those choices consciously rather than out of habit, guilt, or fear.
You’ll need to reassert your boundaries because:
People will test your limits.
Circumstances will change.
Your people-pleasing patterns will resurface.
When you waver on a boundary, notice:
Are you afraid of disappointing someone?
Are you worried they'll think less of you?
Are there ways you can respond differently next time?
Small, consistent boundaries are more sustainable than dramatic stands. Practice with low-stakes situations to build your boundary-setting muscles.
Remember: Each time you honour a boundary, no matter how small, you're building your capacity to trust yourself.
4. Respect others’ boundaries
Healthy boundaries extend both ways. When you honour other people's limits without pushing, arguing, or taking it personally, you help create an atmosphere of mutual understanding and respect in your relationships.
Adopt a healthy mindset about other people’s boundaries:
Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re invitations to trust.
Respecting limits builds deeper connections.
Others’ needs matter just as much as yours.
When someone sets a boundary with you:
Resist the urge to negotiate or convince them otherwise.
Try: “I understand” or “Thanks for letting me know.”
Ask if there's anything further you can do to support them.
These mindset shifts and actions will model the kind of responses you'd like when you set your own limits.
Remember: The more you honour others’ limits, the easier it becomes to believe your own boundaries deserve the same respect.
Why Setting Boundaries Can Feel Hard
I know saying no can feel uncomfortable or even frightening, especially if you've been conditioned to prioritize everyone else’s needs before your own. Though guilt or anxiety might surface when you disappoint someone, these feelings don't mean you're doing something wrong. They mean you’re learning a new way of caring for yourself, and as with acquiring any new skill, it can take practice.
If you’ve spent years saying yes when you meant no, your nervous system might actually feel unsafe when you start setting limits. The people-pleasing patterns you developed to keep yourself protected in the past can lead to you feeling threatened when you begin to define clear boundaries.
This is normal. Your body is simply trying to protect you by using old strategies, even if these strategies no longer serve you.
In all likelihood, you’ll notice that certain relationships feel harder to navigate when you start setting boundaries. Family members who are used to your endless availability might push back. Friends who’ve come to expect you to drop everything for them might feel confused or even hurt when you set limits. But this doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. It simply means the people in your life are adjusting to a new way of relating to you. Healthy boundaries can take time for everyone to get used to.
Some days, honouring your limits will feel empowering and clear. Other days, it will feel messy and uncertain. You'll wonder if you're being too rigid or harsh. You'll second-guess decisions that felt right in your body but challenged old habits and familiar patterns. This wavering doesn't make you weak or inconsistent, it makes you human.
Learning to set boundaries isn't something you master and move on from. It's an ongoing practice of listening to yourself, trusting your inner wisdom, and treating yourself with the same care you’d offer a dear friend.
Be gentle with yourself as you learn, and remember: each small boundary you honour is a quiet declaration that you matter and an act of self-love.
Tools to Try For Setting Boundaries
Meditation: Embodied Yes, Embodied No
This week's meditation helps you connect with the felt sense of “yes” and “no” in your body. You’ll practice honouring both responses as sacred wisdom that can guide your boundary-setting. Listen with curiosity and kindness, and trust what your body tells you.
Journaling Prompts
Set aside 10 to 15 minutes to explore some of these questions. Write without censoring yourself, allowing whatever arises to express itself fully.
Where in my life am I overcommitting, and what does my body tell me about these situations?
When I imagine saying no to someone, what fears come up?
Which relationships in my life feel most draining? What patterns do I notice?
What did I learn about boundaries (or lack thereof) from my family growing up?
What would my life look like if I believed my needs were as important as everyone else’s?
Boundary Scripts
Sometimes, the hardest thing about setting boundaries is finding the right words. Here are some phrases you can use in a variety of situations and contexts.
Work Boundaries
When overwhelmed with requests:
“I won't be able to take that on with my current workload.”
“That's outside my bandwidth at the moment.”
“I'm not available after [time] on weekdays.”
“I keep weekends for family time.”
Family Boundaries
When relatives make demands on your time:
“That doesn't work with my current schedule.”
“I'm not available to help with that, but here's what I can do instead: [specific alternative].”
During guilt trips or manipulation:
“I understand you're disappointed, but my decision stands.”
“This is what works for me right now.”
“I'm not going to change my mind about this.”
Social Boundaries
Managing availability and energy:
“I have other commitments at that time, but I'm free [specific time].”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I won't be able to make it.”
“I'm taking some time to recharge this weekend.”
Tricky Boundaries
When someone won't accept your boundary:
“I've already explained my position.”
“I'm not going to keep discussing this.”
When someone tries to argue with your reasoning:
“This isn't up for debate.”
“I don't need to justify my decision.”
Keep in mind that you don't need to explain, justify, or apologize for having limits. And it's OK if people are disappointed. Ultimately, their feelings aren’t your responsibility.
When you listen to your body, trust your inner wisdom, and act in your own best interest, you create a life where your love for others can coexist with your love for yourself. That is the true power of setting and maintaining boundaries.
Great article, I can relate to so much of it. Boundaries are like a muscle that needs to be trained again and again 💪🏼 , otherwise it’s so easy to slip into old ways and then on top of that, be hard on yourself for doing so. Definitely an ongoing lesson for me.